Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and helpful advice regarding my last post. I've had a glitch with my blog and although I can see all your comments, it won't allow me to publish them.
Keep them coming, I love hearing your thoughts.
~hydrantgirl
I'm almost 1/2 way through my paramedic course, and I've come to the realisation that I don't want to be a paramedic...... gulp
Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm learning, and it's a great career.
But it's not the career I want.
FF and I had some good talks over the weekend about "what-if's". What if a paramedic job opens up and no FF jobs? Do I take the position on the ambulance (assuming I am offered it) to work the same shift work as him, or stay at my office job, Monday to Friday waiting for the FF job? Do I take it to gain valuable experience and risk being passed over for the FF job because they want to keep me on the ambulance side? (happens a lot here)
I have said all along that I think I need to go on an ambulance first if I'm expected to be the first paramedic in as a firefighter. Here in the city fire-paramedics (like my FF) work solo. They have three other guys on the truck with them, but they are usually just EMR's who take blood pressure. The fire-medic is responsible to run the show until the paramedics on the ambulance show up. Pretty intimidating for a probie. At least this probie.
I put my name in to volunteer on a rural ambulance (you only need your EMR which I have) but they aren't hiring. My plan was to gain experience there as an EMR, and then as a PCP when I graduated; but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.
That being said, paramedicine is cool but it's not my passion. Maybe things will change when I get out there and start working in the blood and guts (or doing transfer after transfer after transfer) but right now it scares me. I thrive on the thought of going into a burning building again, or ripping a car apart with the jaws of life but starting IV's and traction splinting? No thanks....
So I'm struck. I'm trying not to worry about it until the time comes I actually have to make that decision, but it still weighs heavy on my mind. Just because I want to do it doesn't mean it's the best move for me. And it makes it that much harder getting through this course knowing I'm only taking it because I have to. I took my fire course and read those books front to back to front again. It takes every ounce of my being to sit down and study for this course, and it's a huge weight on my shoulders. Maybe it's because anatomy doesn't come easy to me while analysing building construction is something I understand? I don't know but I'm trying not to stress about it.
And if you know me, you know it's not easy for me NOT to stress about something.
On another note, FF and I went to an auction on the weekend. There was a snowmobile with a blown motor we went to look at, but it went for way more then what we were willing to pay. Which is ok because we walked in just as it sold, and had it been a steal of a deal we would've been pretty ticked.
We did get to play while we were there.
A nice ol' fire truck. In the midst of the "what if" discussions of paramedicine it solidified my desire to be a firefighter.
I just don't get the same flutter in my heart sitting in an ambulance
And the same excitement pulling a backboard as I do a ladder
It did shock the ol' men something fierce when I put it in pump drive. "Women aren't supposed to be doing that...." maybe that's part of the appeal? I don't know.
And then we saw this...... I call him Big Bird.
I want it. (notice my hair blowing in the wind? It was a tad gusty out. Especially that high up)
I have no idea what it went for, but too bad we couldn't stay to find out.
Driving to work this morning I saw a beautiful site.
A house on fire.
Ok, so not beautiful to the person who owned the home, but beautiful to me.
It reminds me why I'm doing this.
"This" as in studying every waking moment of every waking day and flying 1200 miles to challange state testing and spending my life savings on tuition and focusing a year and a half of my life to nothing but pump equations and flow rates and cardiac rhythms and ventilation techniques and HAZMAT while hoping and dreaming of a new career....
Because I want to be here
Doing this.
I love to take pictures.
Friday was a great day in class. We had an A and P test, and although I didn't get no 90% (good English eh?) I passed well within the 65% limit. It's a tough subject to learn on your own and the text book is pretty in-depth. We don't have guidance on what to learn (very broad ranges - i.e. test is on the nervous system...) so I'm thrilled anytime I write, and pass a test.
We also got to start live IV's......
Horror music fades in
Lights go dim
Girl screams
Actually it was really good. We had a few nervous patients... case in point.....
wait.....
what is this guy's name?? 
So I've been in class with these 2 for weeks now, and I have no idea what their names are. That's horrible of me.
In my defence, I don't think I've heard them talk until yesterday.
Either way, they're nice. And she got it done, much to the almost passing out of her patient.
And then there was B and C. 
I don't think it bestowed any confidence in C when B couldn't remember how to get the cap off the needle...
A little bleed (easy to forget to apply pressure when you remove the needle) but she got her done. 
Much to C's excitement. 
My turn, and B's my patient. Much to her excitement. 
I hate this picture below.
Hate it hate it hate it.
It's reminiscent of the "Mr. Potato head does childbirth".
Remember that one? Where I complained about how huge my arms looked? This is deja vu. 
It doesn't help that B's arms are the size of a cucumber and naturally I have huge man arms. I could blame the camera for focusing in on my bulging biceps and not the patient but it was from my phone and I don't even think it can focus...... 
And I nailed it. With my enormous brachii muscle guiding me through.
I think it's the shirt. Thankfully it's almost the end of short sleeved shirt season and I can hide under some sweaters for 6 months. 
Now, in fairytale land I would end the story here and lead you to believe the day was all about puppy dogs and gumdrops. But because I'm a realist, and I don't want to lie to you. This was actually my 2nd attempt. My first try didn't go so hot, and I had the class average looming on my shoulders. (we have an on-going battle with the "other" PCP class to always maintain a higher average then them. So far we're ahead, but they had 100% success in their starts and no one would let my foul bring down the average.) Thank gawd I got it the second time. Here is proof of my first attempt. Not that you care about a few poke holes and some dried blood, but the key is that there isn't an IV in his arm. 
And as payback, T got to poke me. I have naturally difficult veins and knew this would be a challenge. The only option, my hand..... (enter scaring music, girl screaming, lights dimming...)
As part of my genetics I was blessed with a pointy nose, large hips, budging biceps and veins that are near impossible to gain.
With my heard rate pounding at 120 (I've had a few bad experiences ok?) T didn't get it. And you know what? My class let me knew that this was also my fault.
But that's ok, cause along with those big arms I have big shoulders to carry their failure with.
In the end it was all good. We got a few shots at it, and although I wasn't the only one who didn't get it the first try we all got it in the end.
